Feelings...............

Its been a funny few days, well maybe "funny" is not the best word to use but it has certainly given me much to think about. Break up's are never easy, espesially if your the one being dumped.
Anything and everything can suddenly become affected when a relationship ends. On one hand I've been surprised by how well I've been sleeping and eating (almost finished eating a large 962g tin of Terry's Orange Chocolate Segsations!), then on the other hand I seem to lose it just like that.

At work, I'm surrounded by lots of posties for the first 4hours of my working day and this was my first contact face to face contact with people since it happened and I found it really hard. I just wasn't ready to face people and wanted to be back home locked away from the world, where I felt safe. But being "forced" into public life is all part of the cure and tomorrow will be so much easier.

Then while I was on delivery listening to my MP3 player, songs like Evanescence "My Immortal" http://www.lyricsstyle.com/e/evanescence/myimmortal.html and Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone" http://www.lyrics007.com/Kelly%20Clarkson%20Lyrics/Since%20You've%20Been%20Gone%20Lyrics.html had me close to tears. Music is a strong medium in times of sadness and we can use it in several ways. It is easy to become depressed and not be able to seperate songs from situations, leading to a downward spiral. Alternatively music can be uplifting and enhance our memories. I'm more likely to be the latter kind of listener as I tend to see the happy memories connected to songs rather than sad ones.

My biggest worry is how I will feel in the weeks to come, at the moment I am fine and healing very quickly but already I'm missing certain aspects of the relationship:
- knowing you'll never see that person again or hold them in your arms
- never saying those words "I love you" ever again
- texting everyday
- knowing all your future plans together lie in ruins

Yet, I can take comfort knowing my conscience is 100% clear as I have done nothing wrong. This time I'm not going to hide away and wait for the perfect partner to come along. I'm quite simply going to carry on with life.
My friends both on and offline have really helped me become stronger as I know they are there for me should I need them. I'm usually quite a tough cookie yet knowing people care about me has touched my heart.

I feel alot better in myself already and have already started making plans to get back into social life. Locking myself away will do me no good at all, so it's life as normal (without the "woe is me" convo's when out!).

I may have lost the one I loved but I have not lost my love of life. Another song sums it up well (Melanie C "First ay of my Life"):

So I found a reason to stay alive
Try a little harder see the other side
Talking to myself Too many sleepless nights
Trying to find a meaning to this stupid life
I don’t want your sympathy
Sometimes I don’t know who to be
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer
They just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first Day of my life

So I found a reason
To let it go
Tell you that I’m smiling
But I still need to grow
Will I find salvation in the arms of love

Will it stop me searching will it be enough

I don’t want your sympathy
Sometimes I don’t know who to be
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer but you just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first day of my life

The first time to really feel alive
The first time to break the chain
The first time to walk away from pain

Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer we just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first day of your life
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer they just want more
Hey who’s gonna shine alight?
This could be the first day of my life

Watch the video here: http://search.de.music.yahoo.com/launch/search/?m=video&p=melanie+c&x=19&y=8