Speachless

I really don't know what to say -

- should I write a poem?
- should I tell you my deepest thoughts?
- should I just go to bed?

Lots of things still swirling around my head and I face alot of conflicting thoughts but at the moment I can't seem to put finger to keyboard!
My best option is just to go to bed.

Snow at last.............

Finally it snowed this afternoon here (about 2 hours ago) while I was at Andy's (setting up his new PC and eating pie & chips!).

I love the snow when it is so fresh and crisp as seen in the photo I took from the warmth of his dining room.

Short and sweet Blog today, I need my sleep before Martin gets here or else I will be falling asleep later this evening. Not much to report except I have been really missing a certain somebody and was tempted to text but I know it will do me no good.................

A New Chapter

Right, enough of the mumbo jumbo - it's time to move on and open a new chapter in the life of "robmacca"!

No matter how crap I might feel inside, I won't let it affect what I do on the outside. That's why this weekend has been "business as usual" on the social front. I met up with Andy, Jayne and Tom for a good night out (with the occasional chin wag about the break up!) and today I'm going bowling with Dannykins. I know I'm gonna lose cos lets face it - Danny has his own special bowling shoes!

On the home front - I've got a new lodger moving in today, which should prove quite interesting ............ Watch this space for any hot news and gossip. (Which reminds me - I must change my homepage from being my Blog to something like www.bbc.co.uk - I wouldn't want him reading about my life!)

Things are also shaping up for the first week in December (I was due to go to Brighton but lets face it, that's not gonna happen ........ I think I'd sooner watch it snow in the Antarctic! But if anyone wants the travel tickets they are more than welcome to contact me!!). From day trips to visiting good friends, it's all about getting my life back on track.

Now I can begin to be the independent man once again and do things my way. It's territory I feel safe in, it's old ground that has made me the strong person I have become today. Do I hurt inside? ............Yes! Will I let it stop me from repairing the damage and getting on with life? .................No!

Day 4: The End - Final Pictures......

The party has come to an end and it's time to look at the final ever pictures of my time with Alex in Brighton.









Most of the pictures above are from a Student Halloween Party we went to and the picture at the top right hand side is our final one together, taken as I headed back to Coventry.
The past is now buried and the chapter has been finished, it is now time for a new beginning and a new chapter in my life ............................

Yo Yo Feelings

A week after being dumped and my feelings are still up and down like a yo yo. One minute its "business as normal" and I'm just getting on with life, then the next minute I feel very alone in the world.

It's like being in a crowd but being alone.

I was out with friends clubbing last night and even though I was having fun and dancing, I was aware that inside I was alone. This was again brought home to me today as I was delivering mail, an old lady had stood waiting each day. She pointed to a picture on the wall of a man, who happened to be her dead husband. She was very sad and had spent many hours crying as she missed her partner. In a very small way, I could feel her loss and it made me aware that I too face that prospect.

You might think I'm being negative but I'm just a realist - most people in their latter years face the prospect of being alone, especially when their partner dies. I stand a good chance of being one of those statistics, no matter how many friends I have I face the inevitable future.

On a positive note, I'm feeling quite optimistic about life in general - "everything happens for a reason" - so the saying goes and if that's true then I'm looking forward to the new opportunities coming my way. 2005 has been a great year and I have so much to be thankful for. Out of my sadness has come much happiness - my friends have been really great and in my hour of need they have been there for me. Most don't even know I have this Blog so don't know how I'm feeling inside most days but I've got through the week because of them. From a simple text message to a "Thanks for being a good friend" card in the post - they have been wonderful.

Thanks.

Day 3: Memories

The memories continue of my week in Brighton last month. Pictures 1 and 3 were taken by Alex on the night out at "Dynamite Boogaloo". The second picture was taken earlier on that Thursday evening as we were at Brighton Pier - just after I'd had my hair done. The final picture was of Alex and I enjoying an Italian meal - the best Italian I'd ever tasted!

Tomorrow will be the final set of pictures - and our very last one "ever" ,before that past is buried.

Top 10 "Uplifting" Tunes

Everyone deals with relationship break-ups differently and it also affects us all differently. Who hasn't had their heart broken or had to break someone's heart? It's one of those sad times in our life, which doesn't always get easier with age and the ironic thing is - we never learn either, cos we allow the next person to trample on our fragile heart!

But that is the risk you take falling in love, you have to allow for the one you love to hurt you (intentionally or un-intentionally). I'm glad I opened my heart enough to let someone in - that meant compromising and being willing to open up and do things differently but the positives far outweighted the negatives.

Now this chapter of my life has been closed, I can't help feeling down and today was one of those days. In the office I had been pretty much OK but once out delivering the post on my own, thoughts started creeping into my head. Rather than let these thoughts drag me down more, I focused on the music I was listening too and allowed it to lift me up.

It's even more fun when you imagine the video to the song or a happy memory associated with the song, so here are my Top 10 "Uplifting" Tunes:

1. Love at First Sight (US Version) - Kylie
2. Hung Up - Madonna
3. In Your Eyes - Kylie
4. Independence Day - Melanie C
5. In the Morning - The Coral
6. Don't Wanna Lose This Feeling (Into the Groove mix) - Danni Minogue
7. The Show - Girls Aloud
8. Can't Get You Outta My Head - Kylie
9. Push the Button - Sugababes
10. Wake Me Up - Girls Aloud

OK, not much variety but these tracks are on my MP3 player and cheer me up when I'm delivering..........

Day 2 - More Celebrations............

Another great collection of memories from Brighton last month.
Clockwise: From the nice and relaxed, to the getting drunk and then totally drunk!
It was also a great time to be out with Alex and his friend Mikey, its just a pity those nights will never be repeated............

My Radio Phone In

Good start to the day - I got up @03:30 and went to work as normal but they had covered my day off - so I went back home.
I had the radio on in the background while they were doing a competition. The DJ's were acting out a few lines from a film and we needed to phone in and guess the answer.
I rang, not thinking it would ring but be engaged - well I got straight through and before I knew it was on the radio with the right answer "Bridget Jones Diary"
Lovely feel good romantic film (not sure I want to see it at the moment!)
I had the choice of CD's - Rachel Stevens, Craig David or David Gray. I chose the lovely Craig David. "Don't Love You No More" is his latest and rather fitting single out at the moment!

You can hear it here:

http://s57.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=0K7Z4IH7BHRFQ09E7LCXDL6VT2

Time for a funeral............

............ and those that really know me, know I love a good funeral.
Afterall, it has the word "fun" in it, so why not be happy. The good news is, it won't be my funeral, no matter how sad I felt at the weekend - I love life way too much to let someone send me to an early grave. I'm sure they are getting on quite nicely with their life doing all the things they desired to do.

The good news about funeral's, is you know the person won't be making a return, so now is my chance to "bury" the past and start afresh. So for the rest of the week I am going to have a celebration. Rather than being glum, I'm looking back on the happy memories and putting them to positive use.

So come and join me in my little funeral celebration!

*cakes and squash will be provided on Friday night for all*

Celebration...........

6 of the best from last months visit to Brighton, I love these pictures because they capture Alex and I before we went out (picture 1), getting drunk (pictures 2,3,4), a very drunken picture of me (5) clubbing and then normaility returns on a grey Brighton Pier!
I had a fantastic time and nothing will ever change that fact - even now I smile cos of the happy memories.

Feelings...............

Its been a funny few days, well maybe "funny" is not the best word to use but it has certainly given me much to think about. Break up's are never easy, espesially if your the one being dumped.
Anything and everything can suddenly become affected when a relationship ends. On one hand I've been surprised by how well I've been sleeping and eating (almost finished eating a large 962g tin of Terry's Orange Chocolate Segsations!), then on the other hand I seem to lose it just like that.

At work, I'm surrounded by lots of posties for the first 4hours of my working day and this was my first contact face to face contact with people since it happened and I found it really hard. I just wasn't ready to face people and wanted to be back home locked away from the world, where I felt safe. But being "forced" into public life is all part of the cure and tomorrow will be so much easier.

Then while I was on delivery listening to my MP3 player, songs like Evanescence "My Immortal" http://www.lyricsstyle.com/e/evanescence/myimmortal.html and Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone" http://www.lyrics007.com/Kelly%20Clarkson%20Lyrics/Since%20You've%20Been%20Gone%20Lyrics.html had me close to tears. Music is a strong medium in times of sadness and we can use it in several ways. It is easy to become depressed and not be able to seperate songs from situations, leading to a downward spiral. Alternatively music can be uplifting and enhance our memories. I'm more likely to be the latter kind of listener as I tend to see the happy memories connected to songs rather than sad ones.

My biggest worry is how I will feel in the weeks to come, at the moment I am fine and healing very quickly but already I'm missing certain aspects of the relationship:
- knowing you'll never see that person again or hold them in your arms
- never saying those words "I love you" ever again
- texting everyday
- knowing all your future plans together lie in ruins

Yet, I can take comfort knowing my conscience is 100% clear as I have done nothing wrong. This time I'm not going to hide away and wait for the perfect partner to come along. I'm quite simply going to carry on with life.
My friends both on and offline have really helped me become stronger as I know they are there for me should I need them. I'm usually quite a tough cookie yet knowing people care about me has touched my heart.

I feel alot better in myself already and have already started making plans to get back into social life. Locking myself away will do me no good at all, so it's life as normal (without the "woe is me" convo's when out!).

I may have lost the one I loved but I have not lost my love of life. Another song sums it up well (Melanie C "First ay of my Life"):

So I found a reason to stay alive
Try a little harder see the other side
Talking to myself Too many sleepless nights
Trying to find a meaning to this stupid life
I don’t want your sympathy
Sometimes I don’t know who to be
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer
They just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first Day of my life

So I found a reason
To let it go
Tell you that I’m smiling
But I still need to grow
Will I find salvation in the arms of love

Will it stop me searching will it be enough

I don’t want your sympathy
Sometimes I don’t know who to be
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer but you just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first day of my life

The first time to really feel alive
The first time to break the chain
The first time to walk away from pain

Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer we just want more
Hey who’s gonna make it right
This could be the first day of your life
Hey what you're looking for
No one has the answer they just want more
Hey who’s gonna shine alight?
This could be the first day of my life

Watch the video here: http://search.de.music.yahoo.com/launch/search/?m=video&p=melanie+c&x=19&y=8

Spice Girls come to the Rescue!

In times of disaster, you can always rely on the trusty Spice Girls to save the day!
As I soaked in the bath listening to "Forever", the lyrics of this song seemed to fit a certain situation well -

"Tell Me Why" Lyrics:

oooh......we could have had it all

but you turned your back
it started with dreams it started a team
but you weren't as true as you always seemed
you promised to love
no matter what
yet you turned your back and walked out on me
(verse1)what made you think that without me
your life would be so much better but now you see
that without me
your hopes and dreams
will never be as good as what you had with me
(chorus)so tell me why-oh why
did we end up this way
and we try-we try
to make everything ok
tell me why-oh why
did you feel you couldn't stay
but we could have stayed together
but you wanted it this way
you never thought that i would find out
all of the things you said about us
when you're the one who decided to
erase all our plans and said you are through

-repeat verse 1 and chorus
repeat chorus twice

now tell me was it
your plan all along
to try and use me and then let go
now where is the trust we had between us
i guess that you never played by the rules
can you tell me.............

Lyrics from http://www.sing365.com/

The Aftermath

"From beneath the rubble of a shattered relationship I emerge,
I look around at the devastating effects of having my world rocked.
This earthquake has shaken the very foundations,
causing cracks to appear in my heart.

The damage has been done,
there was nothing I could do to prevent it.
I can only look on as a victim and survey the disaster area,
my heart is heavy with a sense of loss and hurt.

Had I known the end would come I could have prepared,
yet on a peaceful night it came - tearing through the foundations.
Now I must carry on and pick up the pieces of my devastated heart,
learning to become strong once again."

It has indeed been a weird 24 hours and one of personal reflection at the death of a relationship.
There have been tears and there has been disappointment but in all of there there has been the support of friends.
It's never easy telling people when something is over but I have decided to be very open and honest with people and tell them because I knew I would not be feeling my usual happy self for a while.

My friends in the "real" world quickly offered support and throughout the day checked I was OK. Not just in text messages but in real offers to do something practical. But I needed a quiet time to reflect on all that had happened.
My friends in the "internet" world have also been fantastic, although they may not see me in the "real" world very often - they gave me comforting words to help heal the pain, rather like plasters to a flesh wound!

Inside I feel like crying all the time cos I hurt so much but I know this is just "The Aftermath" and in time those flesh wounds will heal and the scars become less visible in time. Instead of drinking a bottle of wine and becoming upset I opted for an early night and had a great nights sleep instead.

Today I will continue the "clean up" operation and put my life back on track. My personal survival is more important than for any one person to destroy.
The end may have been devastating and the aftermath very painful but out of this will come a new beginning.................

The End

For every begining - there is an end
For all the laughter - there are tears
For someone's dream fantasy - there is a grim reality

The door closes and a back is turned
The window mists but the truth remains clear
A wall is built and a life protected
I fall to the floor but I rise again

Someone you love breaks your heart
Someone you love tears it apart
Someone you love says "The End"

Take That- For The Record

ITV2: "Former members Robbie Williams, Gary Barlow, Jason Orange, Howard Donald and Mark Owen recall the band's career, and reveal how their lives have changed since they decided to go their separate ways a decade ago. Other contributions are provided by ex-manager Nigel Martin-Smith and veteran performer Lulu."

Been watching the documentry about the biggest British boyband since the Beatles and it brought back alot of nice memories from the 1990's. It was weird seeing all 5 of the lads on screen 10 years later telling their story, but worth watching.
Now lets hope they do one next year with the Spice Girls !!

Well Done England!

Another 3 reasons I'm proud to be English:

#1 England football team beating Argentina 3-2 in the friendly.
#2 England rugby team beating Australia 26-16.
#3 England cricket team taking control of Pakistan on the second day.
(Pakistan 274 v England 253-3)

So a good sporting weekend, along with a good Saturday night out with some work friends.
Sunday has been nice and relaxing - making the most of the sunshine and giving the garden one final going over before winter truly sets in, then watching TCM movie "Casablanca" while I did loads of ironing....................

Top "Pop" Song of the Decade............

As I sat soaking in the bath this evening I had the "Ultimate Kylie" CD playing (*Thanks Torb and Simon for that!) and I can safely say without question Kylie's "Can't Get You Out of my Head" is the best "POP" tune of the past decade - if not the best pop tune ever written. No matter how many times I hear this song, I never tire of hearing it or dancing to it if I'm out.

Well done Kylie!

Dr Who Exhibition - Brighton

If your a Dr Who fan then the pictures above will all make sense - otherwise, just look and admire this excellent BBC Sci - fi series. From the dangerous wheelie bin plastic takeover to the dummies that came alive. The classic delek from the past to the end of the world party - Dr Who has it all and the exhibition in Brighton hosted alot of the props seen in the actual series.

Rioting

Above are 4 pictures found on http://news.bbc.co.uk/ showing various scenes from riots. The world has been gripped by the continuing race riots that have been spreading across France as cars,schools and various buildings are apparently set alight. It seems that all this "Unrest has gripped areas with large African and Arab communities since the deaths in the run-down Paris suburb of Clichy-sous-Bois of two youths, who were accidentally electrocuted at an electricity sub-station." according to the BBC website.

Yet picture 1is not from the French riots, it is Bradford, England in the 2001 riots and picture 4 showed fire fighters at the Brixton, London in the 1982. Scenes like that seen in France over the past few days will be seen here in England. Maybe not this week or next but in the coming months tension will rise and something will ignite a riot.

I'm not a negative person - I'm a realist and instead of brushing it under the carpet and ignoring it, I believe we have serious problems here in England. Our multicultural society has many benefits and proud achievements but at the same time it is a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Immigration continues to grow at 2-3% each year, fueling peoples concerns. So while political correctness and the "niceness" of everyday people prevails at the moment , it is only a matter of time before riots take place here.

OK , rant over.............. Now back to normal Blog life (*sweeps concerns back under the carpet)

Girls Aloud Tickets - Birmingham May 26th 2006

I'm excited cos I've just bought some Girls Aloud concert tickets:

Girls Aloud - Nia Birmingham, Birmingham, West Midlands, UK on Friday, 26 May, 2006 6:30 pm
Seat location: section BLK C, row H

Yippeeeeeeeeeee!

Girls Aloud Are Coming...........

Looks like the next few weeks are gonna be filled with all things Girls Aloud!

NEW SINGLE 'BIOLOGY' OUT 14TH NOVEMBER: Another incredibly catchy track from the girls is already no.1 in the TV chart and is released on 14th November on 2 CDs. CD1 has a remix of the massive hit 'The Show'. CD2 will have a new track from Girls Aloud called 'Nobody But You' plus a remix, the video and free ringtone. 'Biology' is taken from the forthcoming album 'Chemistry' which is out on 5th December.

Then in 2006 we have the tour again!!!

Sarah Harding Pics

Ok its random, but I've not got much time to post anything like my photos etc as I'm getting ready for a drunken night out before I go to work (I'm off out with my ex-housemate and his friend). I know I've got to be up for work @03:20 and then no chance for sleep on Friday cos my friend is around in the afternoon , then out for a meal Friday night. Maybe I'll sleep saturday??!!

In the meantime - here's some Sarah Harding (Girls Aloud) pictures for all you fans.

Other pics can been seen here: http://robmacca.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_robmacca_archive.html

Return of the Skunk!

While I was on holiday last week, I had my hair cut (slightly) and had the return of my favourite hairstyle EVER. My all time favourite style can be seen in the picture taken last week and , as posted here on the Blog way back in February:
http://http://photos1.blogger.com/img/197/3452/640/Rob_behind.jpg

It's my "Skunk" look , you may not like it but I flippin well do and so it's here for one last time before my hair all falls out!